Rita's Daughter

Rita was a wonderful lady who had a twinkle in her eye and a zest for life. She was a tiny lady, barely 5 feet tall. You never saw her without a smile on her face. She loved music and would dance any time she could.

Rita was already living in our memory care neighborhood when I first began working there. Her face lit up when we first met. She was so excited to see me, and I soon discovered the reason. Rita began to introduce me as her daughter to everyone we met. As we would walk to activities, she would stop staff and say "have you met my daughter?" She was so proud to have her daughter visiting her. It was very obvious that she loved her daughter very much. Sometimes staff would ask if I was really her daughter. Rita was quick to tell them “yes, she’s my daughter.” Never once did I tell her that I was not her daughter. Why would I want to take that joy away from her?

I often wondered did I look like her daughter? Did I sound like her daughter? What was it about me that felt so familiar and comfortable to her? I know I certainly loved her like a daughter would. There was always a hug waiting for me, and she always asked about the family. What more could I ask for? Her daughter lived out of town, but her son and daughter-in-law visited daily. We became good friends as the years went by. I think they were happy that Rita had someone who loved her when they weren't able to be there.

As Rita declined in health from her dementia, I did finally have an opportunity to meet her daughter Cheryl. I shared happy stories of my time with Rita. I looked hard to see the similarities between Cheryl and I. I didn't think we looked alike, and our mannerisms were not similar in my eyes. But for whatever reason, Rita thought we were both her daughter. I know this was probably difficult for Cheryl. I took comfort in knowing that I filled that hole in the heart for Rita when her daughter could not be there. The love I felt from Rita was a gift that I will always treasure. I hope her family was able to take some comfort in knowing that I loved their mom and was proud to be her "daughter."

Jo and the Music

Jo was an accomplished artist and was the most elegant lady I had ever met. She was in the latter stages of dementia when I first met her. There was such a quiet grace about her that I longed to know more about her. She seldom spoke now, but her smile was so beautiful. Her brilliant blue eyes would look deeply into mine-almost as if she could see to the depths of my soul. Jo was always there when I began a group activity. She sat quietly as I asked my trivia questions or reminisced about days gone by. She would smile when I spoke directly to her, but she remained silent. One of my favorite things was sing-alongs with the residents. We sang the old songs that they remembered from church or school. When we forgot the words we would just hum until we remembered the words again. One evening we were singing "God Bless America" when I heard a wonderful soprano voice. I looked over to see Jo with a lovely smile singing along. She had perfect pitch and didn't miss a note. From that moment we never had a sing-along without singing "God Bless America."

Dementia with Dignity: I'm Already Dead...

Dementia with Dignity: I'm Already Dead...: Becky was sitting at a table with other residents who have very late stage dementia and are mostly non-verbal. I quietly asked the staff if ...

Wandering or Lost?

Often we talk about wandering when someone has dementia. What does wandering mean to you? Many families say that Mom/Dad doesn't wander. They've never wandered away from the house. They may go outside, but they never wander. Families may go on to say that Dad/Mom does get lost sometimes when going to the store (or other places), but never wander.

So is it the very word "wander" that is preventing us from keeping our seniors safe? How often have you seen on the news of a senior being lost? Often the outcome can be devastating for a family, especially during the extreme winter weather we have had this year. We need to have an honest discussion about what is happening during these unfortunate events. I believe most of these seniors left home with a purpose. They left to go to the store, a neighbor's house, the library, church of some other place with meaning to them. Unfortunately, something happened before they arrived at their destination. They got lost! They were not able to recall where they were going, or maybe could not recall how to get there. So they kept driving...or walking. Pretty soon, they were no longer able to recognize where they were. Instead of stopping to ask for help, they continue on their journey. Families begin to realize that their loved one is now missing. The police are contacted, an alert is issued and the search begins. Hopefully the missing senior will be located quickly before any tragedy occurs, but too often we read where the person has been found frozen to death, drowned in a creek or other body of water, or fallen with major injuries. What can we do to prevent these tragedies?

One of the simplest solutions is to invest in a simple GPS monitoring system. These are available through many companies as well as the Alzheimer's Foundation. The GPS can be worn as a bracelet or around the neck. Some of them also have an alert button and can detect falls.  If your loved one leaves homes, you can contact the monitoring company and they can very quickly locate him/her. Some of these systems can even notify you if your loved one leaves a designated area. This can allow your person to maintain his independence and keep him safe. The systems do require a monthly monitoring fee which is about the cost of a soda or candy bar per day.  And the peace of mind these systems can provide is priceless.