All is not lost...

So often I see people acting like someone with dementia is already gone. They will often no longer look them in the eyes, touch becomes less frequent, and conversation diminishes. Does this happen because the disease takes people away or because we no longer look at them in the same way any longer?

I love seeing a light come into someone's eyes when I can connect with her or him. I always get close so we can make eye contact. I usually touch the person, often holding their hand as we look deep into each other's eyes. I begin a conversation, hoping the person will join in. This may be with words, a smile, or a squeeze of my hand. It doesn't really matter to me how we connect...it's more important that we connect. I will often sing an old familiar song which often brings a soft voice singing with me. It may not be all the words, but the music is there. The person is still there. We just have to reach them.

It seems to me that we give up trying to connect. When Mom can't remember the grandchildren or that Dad died 5 years ago, we often begin to pull away. As we pull away we watch our loved one retreat deeper into their own world where they live in memories. That's why they often tell us that Aunt Esther and Uncle Ed stopped by today. We begin to think they surely must have lost their mind because Aunt Esther died 25 years ago and Uncle Ed passed 10 years ago. How can Mom possibly believe that she saw them...she has to be crazy, right?

But the pages of our memories often flutter as we relive times in our lives. Some days we may be remembering long ago. Other days it may be on a more recent page of memories. We can help them to enjoy these fleeting memories just by letting them open up and talk about Aunt Esther or Uncle Ed. You might even hear some wonderful families stories that you never knew. Don't worry if the facts aren't perfect. This is not a history class...this is about the feelings! And just remember...All is not lost, it's just temporarily forgotten to be remembered another day.

It's the Martians!

I was visiting with a family member on our memory care neighborhood when one of our ladies began calling to me. I walked over to see what she needed. She said "who do you think you are waltzing in here without paying?". I apologized and told her I didn't know I needed to pay. So she tells me if I am not going to pay I just need to leave. I apologize again, telling her I don't have any money. I asked how much it cost and if she could put it on my bill. She said it's a dollar, but if you're not going to pay you just need to go on and get out of here while pointing vigorously at the door. I asked if I could pay tomorrow and she reluctantly agreed telling me she would be waiting for $2!

Now for the really funny part....are you ready? I was introducing myself to a new resident telling her I am a friend of her niece Marcia. From behind me I hear the first lady say in a really loud voice "Did you hear what she said? She said she's a Martian!" Well now I know what my Halloween costume is going to be. I love my memory care people!!!